Recharge your Marriage after your kids leave the Nest

Can I be honest for a minute? There are days my head hits the pillow when my husband and I barely have time to say, “Hi, who are you again?” lol. Sounds funny but it’s true. Raising kids and working full-time is time consuming and exhausting. A happy marriage is so important to living the full, passionate life you desire. Now that the kids are about to fly, it’s more important than ever to recharge that passion.

Read on to discover how Empty Nesters can revive those old feelings.

Recharge your marriage by going back to the basics

The definition of Relationship is the way in which two or more concepts, objects or PEOPLE are connected. So right there, when we are two ships passing in the night, and don’t have time to speak or connect with one another, we are NOT in a relationship. Yes, we are bound in marriage, but we are not really in a relationship. How can we change that? We have to be intentional. I have a couple strategies that have helped me.

Change your story, Reignite your passion

First, CHANGE YOUR STORY. I learned this from Tony Robbins. He and his wife are MASTERS at relationship building!

Over the years, whether intentional or not, our spouse becomes someone in the background. Yes, we can count on them to wash the dishes when we don’t have time, drop the kids at basketball or mow the lawn. But if we aren’t intentional, we forget how important they are to US, not just to our family unit.

My story became something like this: “My husband is the stand-in to help with household chores, the fil- in chef when he isn’t working, the person who leaves his socks on the living room floor and the person who takes me out for my birthday dinner”. Meh. Not really an exciting marriage.

Changing my story breathed life back into my marriage!

I started thinking about who he was when we got married. And then I remembered, “My husband is the fun to my practicality. He is the one who drags me out to have fun when I want to stay home to save money. He is the calm to my storm. (corny but true). The stability to my stress. We balance and complement each other”.

Changing that story helped in more ways than one. Not only did it remind me of the importance of my marriage to my health and sanity, but it changed the way I felt when I picked up the socks for the 100th time. I realized it’s a small price to pay for the sanity boost I got from my partner. And you know what? When you FEEL differently about a situation, you start acting differently. And it actually made me want to make time for him, even though we were hurried and exhausted.

Be Intentional about spending time together (even better to work on this BEFORE the kids leave the nest).

Another change I made was purposely focusing time everyday to connect with my husband. EVERYTHING that is great in your life, you have devoted at least a little time to. Your marriage is no different. Too often, we are on auto pilot, and think everything will just work out. Show me someone who is intentional about spending time with their partner and I’ll show you a happy marriage.

Honestly, this is a pretty simple thing to do. Yes, it can be hard to find the time, but it doesn’t always have to be a date. Do the dishes together, walk the dog or work out at the gym. Anything intentional counts….but regular date nights get extra points.

Check your attitude at the door

When is the last time you took a good hard look at how you behave in your relationship? I made a conscious effort to monitor my tone after I heard myself asking my husband to do something like he was one of the kids. I don’t think I even realized I was doing that. No wonder he had no desire to help.

When you are talking to your partner like he is one of your children, pretty soon, he will start acting that way –lol. Why not? I know you are probably thinking, “well, maybe if he stopped behaving like my third child and put the toilet seat down or put his clothes away, I wouldn’t treat him like that”.

Well, none of us want to hear this, but it works both ways.

Once I recognized what I was doing wrong, everything changed.

I learned to become the person who DESERVED the spouse I desired. Constant nagging, does NOT create someone who wants to help around the house. Playing the Martyr does not encourage teamwork. Will everything be perfect? No. Can your husband read your mind? No. And that is ok. Now that the kids are leaving, it’s time to put the focus on reviving who you once were, and how you treated each other BEFORE the kids came along.

I know it’s hard for us to believe sometimes, but we aren’t always perfect either. My husband wanted someone who would watch all the football games, BLOW IT OUT at a restaurant and say “Yes of course!” to the BIG BIG screen TV. And we will likely never see eye to eye on everything. But we can move to a place were we are behaving like the person who DESERVES the spouse we dream of. And pretty soon, that is exactly who they become. And THAT keeps the romance alive.

Set Your Empty Nest Goals

Lastly, when is the last time you sat down together and talked about your goals? Now, if your husband is like mine, he will be mad at me for mentioning this. A lot of men think we talk too much, and now we want to talk about goals? Lol. But yes. Try pairing it with something you both enjoy. A nice dinner. I bowl of ice cream or a cocktail.

Ask him what his dream retirement would look like. Don’t make it a chore. Have fun. Then, make a plan to start moving in that direction. Work together toward realizing your shared goals, WITHOUT the kids.

Ask him to hold you accountable as you try to reach your goals and create your new Empty Nest. Talk about how it will feel when the kids are gone. Not in a depressing, we will miss them way, but an exciting, what’s next for US kind of way. There will be plenty of time for mourning the kids leaving. This is about you and your relationship.

Don’t forget how important your partner is to your dream life. Begin focusing on your marriage NOW. If your kids are still home, it’s never too early to work on recharging that Passion. Take time to change your story and remember what brought you together in the first place. Be intentional about spending time together, even if you have to start with 15 minutes a day. Be mindful of how you treat your spouse, in the words you use and your tone. We’re not making excuses for bad behavior on anyone’s part, but remember, you can’t change anyone else, you can only change YOU. And by working on being the person who deserves a wonderful husband, you will revive that relationship. And Rekindle the magic.