How to find your new purpose as an Empty Nester

I remember it vividly, going upstairs and washing my face to get ready for bed like I have every other night for the last however many years. But this time, when I went to get in bed, a memory flashed. It was our entire family laying in our King bed watching Tinga Tinga Tails at 6 am– before the mad dash to get ready for school. I loved those moments.

The kids were 5 and 2. They were tiring. But wonderful. It made me count the number of years till, wait, 1? Till my daughter graduated? And 4 till my son? What happened? Where did the time go? I know it is so cliche but how did I miss all these years?

That was the moment that got me thinking about MY FUTURE. What on earth was I going to do now that my kids were close to graduation? Yes, I had a bit of time, but I am a planner. I like to be prepared. And I was FAR from prepared for this.

Finding your purpose begins with asking questions

Would I keep working my current job? Would I try to retire early? Nothing seemed right. I wanted to be available for my kids. I mean, they might be growing but I wanted to be there if they did start wanting to hang out again like all the parenting books promise. I had not thought about this at all. I asked myself, If I could do ANYTHING in the world I wanted, what would it be? How would I make money? What would be my new purpose?

I knew I couldn’t retire and just sit around. That’s not me. And I always felt like God had called me for more. But what? Where would I even begin?

I decided I needed to begin with the end in mind. What was that end? Hmmm. Good question. So I decided to make that my first priority. A Journey to find my new purpose. To find that thing that would light my soul on fire, now that my kids were beginning their own journey.

Let me share a few things I did.

Grab a pen and paper and write down who you used to be

I wrote all the hobbies I had growing up. I loved to play with my Barbie dolls. They would actually renovate Ken’s Jeep and go camping (Ken wasn’t invited haha). Later, in middle school, I loved to run on the cross country team. I played Atari and Space Invaders (was it really that long ago?). I liked to draw and hang out with my friends. I loved flowers. I loved to rearrange the furniture in my room and go through the catalogue to pick out comforters and posters for my walls. As I got older, I loved going to estate sales with my mom. I also tried my hand at wallpapering and painting our home.

The list went on and on. Some things no longer interested me, but some had grown into a passion.

From there I was able to ask more questions and I thought, I might be getting somewhere. I loved helping others. I loved decorating, I loved home decor, planning parties. I loved traveling, learning about history and meeting new people.

These questions really started helping me go back and remember that person I was BEFORE kids. The one who had to be set on a shelf, just for a minute, so I could focus on what was most important to me at that time–raising my family.

So to uncover YOUR purpose, I want you to ask yourself some questions. What hobbies did you have growing up? What clubs were you in at school? What did you enjoy doing with your friends or husband before you had kids?

Nothing is too silly or trite or small. I thought about preparing skits with my neighborhood friends, planning my slumber parties and making “pretend” mulberry pies with the berries in our backyard. We played Kickball, tag and “Ghost in the Graveyard”.

Take your own trip down memory lane to find yourself

Were you a cheerleader? Maybe you could coach or teach kids. Did you enjoy cooking with your grandma? You might enjoy working in a bakery. Maybe you were a ferocious reader, or you loved planning a tea party for your dolls. You could work in a library, or own your own bookstore. Did you realize there are grown ups these days who plan tea parties–with little cakes and fancy teas and tea sandwiches–how fun! We had a tea house just down the street. And I’ve been to several B&B’s that serve a great afternoon tea. I want you to write down everything you’ve ever enjoyed. I want this to be a good list…at least 50 things. (Come on, I know you can find 50).

Cross off the items you no longer enjoy

Now that you have your list, get rid of the items that don’t bring you joy. I don’t mean things that you “don’t believe you can do”. We aren’t asking that question. We are just crossing them off if they bore you now. Or you never really liked them to begin with. Mom made you take ballet, but you wanted to take Jazz. That kind of thing…oh and if you wanted to take Jazz and you STILL think you do–WRITE IT DOWN!! I have a friend who took drum lessons at 40!! Bravo!! It was a childhood dream so her husband got her lessons for her birthday.

List your NEW passions

Ok, once you’ve crossed off all the things you are no longer interested in, ask yourself, “What have I always WANTED to do but didn’t believe I could?” I’m looking at you half marathon. Or planting a vegetable garden or going back to school to be a Chef. What sounds like it would be awesome to try?

Let yourself Dream

Ok now comes the easy part. I want you to Ponder this list. I love that word. Know what it means? To think about carefully, especially before making a decision, according to Oxford Languages. Just keep the list somewhere you can look at it daily…maybe while you have your morning coffee. Or by your computer before you start working. I want you to think about it while you are going to sleep at night. And I want you to allow those old passions to come back. No judgement. No one knows what you wrote. Let youself dream a little.

Identify your new purpose

My hope for you is one day, you will say, “You know, it sure would be cool to _______________” And then I want you to Ponder that. And eventually, if you still think it sounds cool, I want you to try it. Call about that cooking class. Sign up for the Marathon training. Enroll in the Blogging course. And remember, It’s ok if you don’t end up liking it, or it wasn’t quite for you. You can move right on along to something else you think is cool, and fun and interesting.

Because eventually, you will stumble right into your purpose. I promise.